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bright eyes - if winter ends |
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I've made this public for various reasons.
Sometimes, hell, all of the time I feel like I'm the only person in the world who actually feels. I mean, dammit, people have their nerve to tell me that what I say can't be taken back. Yeah, well, the things they say aren't so fucking pleasant either, so they don't need to be strutting around like they're something special, because dammit, they're not. And I'm shocked that they have the audacity to shun me off like I'm not worthy of their admiration. Well, fuck you. I'm tired of your shit. You need to speak in a language that I understand. Otherwise I won't know what heartless thing you have to say next. Day after day I hoped that you'd actually say, "I'm sorry." but that day never came and with your arrogance it never will. Now you know why I'm depressed all of the time. I'm never going to forget you, sadly, and your hurting words will never, ever make me forget the person I fell in love with. Now, please excuse me while I take you off of my buddy lists and friends lists. That might help the pain go away. *fake grin*
EDIT: I have more. I want to write so much in here. First of all, I'd like to point out that I don't only have negative things to say about you. Actually, there are a lot of good things. I mean, if there weren't any, I wouldn't have ever liked you.
Let's go back to when we first started talking. In reality, I thought you were a little odd, but also funny so I kept on talking to you. Then I came to realize you and I had a lot in common. Soon after I found your journal and I made you start updating again. I looked at your LJ every day for new entries. Reading those I felt so close to you, and soon after I began to like you. A lot. So I posted my feelings in here and you saw them and told me your feelings. You said you loved me. I will never forget that day. That entry almost made me cry.
Then things went downhill. I, being a person whose never had a relationship before, panicked when you asked what our relationship was and I said we were just friends. I had no idea it impacted you that much. That day changed everything. You didn't directly say that I pissed you off with that but I knew I did. I cried.
So I apologized. About 4 times. You finally posted an entry saying you accepted my apology. I was happy again. But I didn't know we were only friends.
I hinted that I liked you. I kept hinting. You didn't seem to get it. I spelled it out for you. You said you were still hurt from what I said before. I apologized again. I didn't want to hurt you. I didn't want to lose you.
I did.
I went into a deep depression.
Coming out of that I began to talk to you again. But we were only friends. I couldn't stop thinking that I wanted more than that. Then today came. You said you never really accepted my apology.
I don't know what to do. I've already lost you.
..There's nothing I -can- do. I'm hopeless. And don't tell me I'm not. I will eventually forget this. But only when I forget my name would I ever forget you.
I hope you've read this. It's your choice to. I'm sorry for taking you off my friends list but I can't bear to see your icon on my friends page. I must try to forget.
Even though I can't.
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